Live big

This entry was originally published at tubby, little, cubby, all stuffed with fluff

The real damage is done by those millions who want to “survive.” The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honor, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: If you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn. – Sophie Scholl

Not that there’s anything wrong with being called to be the small one, but quotes like this stir my heart.  What’s next for us?

So I just posted this after who knows how long of not posting, went to church, and immediately felt rocked…  The quote still rings true, but the sermon has re-oriented the way I think about it.  It’s really difficult to sum up all the things I’m thinking, but suffice to say that I realized that I’m still a jumble of mixed motivations and unfulfilled desire.

One of the most challenging things that M said was that the reward for following Jesus is Jesus.  The reward for being generous in his name is getting more of his character of generosity.  You get the picture.

See, deep down in the places I don’t like to admit, I kind of like to think there’s some sort of reward for righteousness.  “…there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters…for my  sake and for the gospel…who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time….”

And there is an amazing reward.  It’s just that we’re not always prepared to recognize Jesus as the amazing reward that he is.

I have much to think and pray about.  I’m so grateful that I have T as a partner in all of this.

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Sports teams of my youth

This entry was originally published at tubby, little, cubby, all stuffed with fluff

I should be ecstatic, right?  The Celtics, the basketball team that I loved growing up, trounced the Lakers, their rival of so many years.  I remember playing Lakers vs. Celtics on our old family computer and exulting when Bird, McHale and Parish consistently beat Magic and Kareem…  at least when I was playing!

Maybe I’ve just turned into a crotchedy old man, but I’m in the unhappy position of having liked both the New York Yankees and the Boston Celtics as a child and now…  I’m not particularly fond of either team.  It particularly galls me when Boston fans complain incessantly about the exorbitant payroll of the Yanks and yet are suspiciously unvocal about the Celtics acquisition of two All-Star players.  Granted, the Celtics’ payroll is still well within reason compared to the rest of the league (unlike the Yankees), but still…  For some reason it’s just hard for me to get very excited about traded players…

Maybe I need to get into minor league baseball and NCAA basketball or something like that…

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Who am I?

This entry was originally published at tubby, little, cubby, all stuffed with fluff

In Life/Work direction, my most recent exercise (which has taken several weeks thus far) has been to tell five stories of times when I have felt most happy and/or fulfilled, look at the qualities my counselors heard in those stories, and organize their feedback into general themes that are true about my life.

The biggest overarching theme has been around connectedness (systems and connections), but here are all the things that these stories have told me, along with illustrative examples of the feedback that fit into those categories. What do you think?

I enjoy being a part of a larger process

I enjoy the role of facilitator; It’s satisfying to play a part in coordinating a complicated large group feat; When others help it keeps it fun

I understand systems

I track beneath the surface of the game to explore its design; I enjoy testing my understanding of laws through applying them to solve riddles; I appreciate being given a structure to work with (rather than coming up with it myself

I am part of a larger story

I imagine into/look for my place, my part in the larger world; I like feeling a part of a bigger tradition; I work off of Jesus’ life

I bring people together

I try to bring disparate groups together; I am drawn in by connections

I solve puzzles

I am interested in the broad strokes and patterns that tie Old & New Testament together; I enjoy solving puzzles

I am motivated by a good process

Accountability helps me maintain momentum; I want my time used efficiently/well; I can work with a routine and enjoy its benefits (simplicity that enables personal presence)

I ask questions

I enjoy the Socratic method of teaching—leading through questioning; I respond well to discreet, well bounded risk taking

I pursue holiness

I am compelled by the pursuit of honor; The truth of the study calls me deeper with Jesus

I value written words

It’s important to me to write (right) out my words; To abandon my written words abandons the work I did on it

I explore cultures

I study the ways of different cultures; Curiosity and imagination allow me to be fully occupied when alone

In general, no big surprises here. Despite my introverted nature, I’ve always enjoyed being part of and/or facilitating a team effort.  I don’t like to be the person who calls the shots…  but I like being the power behind the throne. 

One thing that was helpful for me to realize is that I’m motivated by a “good” process.  I like it when I have a way of telling whether or not I’m doing a good job, whether that’s self checking or if that’s someone telling me.  Probably I’m happiest when I know myself whether or not I’m doing a good job, but that takes a great deal of knowledge over the subject matter.  A good example of that is Mark Study: I don’t need an external party to tell me whether or not I’m doing a good job…  I have a pretty good sense of it because I’ve led it so many times before.

Of course in my current work, I have no clue what my job actually is, let alone whether I’m any good at it, hence much of my frustration with myself and my work environment.  The difficulty is that in a start-up, there may never be a way for me to really know whether or not I’m doing a good job…  so the trick will be to find ways to measure myself in spite of that. 

The other thing that I find helpful is that this is very focused on the things that I like, and not the things that I don’t like.  I have a tendency to want to avoid things that I don’t like and will consider myself satisfied if I’m “free of pain.“  It seems much more helpful, however, to strive for the things that I do enjoy…  and if there’s a little pain in there, I’ll probably still end up happier.

The question they asked me to think about for this week is which of these areas are currently most strongly developed in my life/work…  and which ones are missing?

At work, I’m definitely part of a system (albeit one that’s a bit thrown together).  Other people do things I can’t, don’t want to, or don’t have time for.  I have a decent grasp of the rules of the game, and can contribute effectively to the team.  I increasingly find the freedom to ask questions and challenge the status quo.

In my personal life…  I don’t know, actually.  I’m not really pursuing any of these things that I really enjoy.  In particular, I’m not necessarily pursuing them with T.  In some ways I very much feel that T and I are part of a larger story, but I don’t think we really know what the end of the story is, let alone where the next few chapters may lead.  I also note a particular absence of bringing people together, reading/writing, and exploring cultures.

In both work and personal life, I don’t really have a good way to measure “how I’m doing.“  Perhaps that is what contributes the most to my sense of anxiety…  I don’t know the score, so I always feel like I’m a little behind.

Hmm…  All helpful insights, but how will this help me figure out next steps in my life/work/career?  God?  A little help? 

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